


The Life and Times of Hadrin Half-Ear, or How I Accidentally Became A Pact Hero

by V6ilill



Series: With Saviors Like These, Who Needs Salvation? [3]
Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls Online
Genre: Bad Humor, Comedic Nihilism, Crack, Cringe, Dark Comedy, Diary/Journal, Ebonheart Pact (Elder Scrolls), Ebonheart Pact questline, Gallows Humor, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Lying Narrator, Otherwise Gen, POV First Person, Pointing out the logic errors in said questline, Romance/sex only for the purpose of jokes, Sexual Humor, Swearing, Unreliable Narrator, Weirdness, cringe comedy, cringe narrator, non-binary characters, they/them pronouns for both Vestiges
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 5,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28364145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/V6ilill/pseuds/V6ilill
Summary: Hadrin Half-Ear, (self-proclaimed) master thief, (self-proclaimed) master of seduction, (self-proclaimed) master assassin and notorious Cheydinhal street thug dies and is reborn in the lands of the Ebonheart Pact. This is their completely unbiased, extremely intelligible and entirely truthful retelling of those confusing times, later acquired by Solitude's Antiquarian Circle as a historical artifact.Contains ALLCAPS, copious amounts of swearing, egregious grammatical errors, offensive humor and general nonsense. Read at your own risk.Alternate summary: Chaotic Evil traveling merchant gains resurrective immortality, accidentally becomes national hero.
Relationships: Two-Vestige disaster duo, Vestige & Original Characters
Series: With Saviors Like These, Who Needs Salvation? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871929
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this idea since before the One Tamriel update, but never got around to putting the story up in digital form.

SO ENEWAE  
I SHOLD PROBLY KEEP DAIRY. SO IDONT FORGET STUFF. HEY ITS HAPPEND BEFORE. DONT JUDGE ME DAIRY. YOR LIFE HAS BEEN EASEY YOU HAVENT HADTO STRUGGGLE FOR FOUD EVERY DAY.YOU HAVENT HAD TA RUN AWAE FOR YOR LYFE FROM THUGGS TWICE THE SIZE. YOU HAVENT HAD TA SELL UR SOUL TO A DEEADRA TABE A REAL THEIF.

OK ILL STOP NOW. HEH HEH HEH I HAVE PRETY NIECE SOB SOTRY IF I THINK TO HARD BOUT MLIFE. HEH IVE GOTTEN ALOTTA STALE BRED OVER IT. BUT I GOTTA WORK ON THE TONE MOR PEEPLE DONT LIKE WHEN I SOUND LIKE IMOCKING THEM. WHICH I SOUND LIKE ALWAYS. EVERY TIME. COS I AM MOCKING THEM. THEY DESERV IT. DUM AND EASEY TO STEEL FROM.

SO IM IN SOM PLACE RITE NOW. SKYRIM THEY SAY. DUM BITCHES. ITS A ISLAND. IT CANT BE SKYRIM. MAN IM SO GOOD AT GEROGRAPHY. WOW IM SO SMARTE.

ITSA NICE PLACE. FULLO FREE SHIT. I WAS STEELING BUT THEN ME MATE ARIN CAME BY. THEYS MY NEW MATE NOW. WE FELL OUTTA THE SKY TOGETHR. AND THEY SED I CANT STEEL EVERYTHING NOT NAILED DOWN. I SAID WATCH ME.

THEN THEY GOT ANGERY AND SAID THEY WOLD GIVE ME TO GOURDS. GUAERDS I MEAN. SO I WENT INVISIBL AND JUMPED ON ARIN WITH KNIFE TO ASSERT DOMINANCE. THEY BECAME BLOODLUSTY LIKE VAMPIRE AND START BEATING ME UP. IT WAS VERY FUNNY UNTIL THEY STARTED TO BREATHE FYRE. AND SHAKE THE GROUND WITH FISTS. I THOT DRAGONITES WERE SUPOSED TO BE BOUT FYRE. NOT EARTH MAGIC. BUT ARIN ONLY GOT ANGRIER WHEN I SED THAT. THEY SED NOBODY COLD UNDERSTAND THEM BECUZ THEIR ORDER IS DED. YE THEYR EDGY LIKE THAT.

SO THE VILLAGE WAS VERY ENTERTANED WATCHING US FITE TIL THE WATCH CAPTAIN BROKE US UP. WHILE SHE WAS ANGERY AT ARIN FOR ATACKING ME I STOULE HER CALIPERS. AND HER ELSWEYER HAND FAN. AND A SHAWL.

THERES NO FENCE ON THIS STUPIDE BACKWATER LATRINE SPIT! HOWS AM I SPOSED TO GET MONAY OFF ME ACCUISITIONS?

FUCK U STUPID ISELAND! UR MOTHERS A WHORE AND UR FATHER LICKS DOG PUSSY! 

ARIN TOLD ME AGEN ITS BAD TO STEEL. I TOLD THEM TO DEAL WITH IT. THEY TOLD ME ID HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR STONEFIST THEN. I SED THAT CREEPY OLD MAN CALLD US BOTH VESTIGES AND THEY WOULDNT KIL A CHOSEN ONE. WOULD THEY? I BET YOU WOULDNT DIARY. I MEEN THE PROPHSY IS BULSHIT AND CREEPY OLD MAN IS SUPER CREEPY AND WE SHOULDAVE LEFT HIM THERE. BUT HE GOT US OUTTA CLODHARBOR WHICH IS NICE.

SO THE LOCALES NICELY SUGESTED US TO FIND SOM MISSING DUDES. VERY NICELY. ARIN WAS ALL HERO AND WANTED TO HELP THEM OUT. AND SED I HAD TO COM WITH. LIKE THEY DIDNT HATE ME OR SOMETHIN. SO I SUPOSED I NEEDED TO HUNT DOWN SOM FOWL HIDE TO SELL. AND CARAPACE. IT SELLS RLY WELL. DUNNO WHY THO.

IVE NOTICED THE LOCALS ARENT HOT. THEYRE VERY TALL. LIKE NORDS. ARIN IS NORD TOO. I THINK. BUT THEYR NOT TALL. STANGE. BUT ARIN ISNT HOT EITHER. I DONT LIKE HERO TYPES. THOSE DONT EVN HAVE SYPHYLLIS. OLD MAN PUBICUS USD TO SAY MEN COLD ONLY SCREWW WOMAN AND THE OPPOSIT TOO. BUT SINCE IM NEITHER I CAN SCREWW EVERYONE. TREES TOO. BUT THEY A LITTLE HARD TO GET BEHIND. OLD MAN PUBICUS HAD LOTSA STRANG IDEAS PEEPL DIDNT AGREE WITH. TIL HE GOT MURDERD BY A RUSTY NAIL. THEN PEEOPL FELT SAD. LIKE THEY CARD FOR HIM WHEN HE LIVED. I WONDER IF PEEPL WIL START CARING FOR I WHEN I DIE. MAYBE THEYLL CALL ME MISUNDERSTOOD AND A PRODUCT OF THE TYMES INSTED OF BROTHEL FLOORBOARD OR VILE HALFBREAD. IM NOT EVEN HALFBREAD BI THE WAY. IM A DUMBER.

IN THE WILD THERE WER MANY BEARS AND WOLVS. IM SURPRISED THEY GOT ONTO THIS ISLAND IN THE ASS END OF THE WORLD. OR AS SMARTE PEEPLE LIKE ME CALL IT THE RECTAL OFIRICE OF THE WORLD. WOW IM SO SMART HE HE. SO I SAYVED SOM IDEOTS FROM LIVING THERE BEST LIVES AS SKEEVERS. IMEAN CUM ON. SKEEVERS EAT ALL SCREW LOTS AND DIE QUICK. THATS THE BEST YO CAN HAVE IN LIFE.

DONT TELL ARIN THIS DEER DIARY. BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE WAND DID AND ALL THOSE PEEPLE GOT SAVED BY ACCIDENT. AND THEY DIDNT WANT ME FOUL HYDES! BASTERDS.


	2. Chapter 2

THERES A LOTTA PEOPLE ON THIS ICELAND THAT NEED SAVING. NOW I WAS CRACKIN OPEN SPIEDER COCCOONS AND MERACULOSLY ALL THREE BLOKES INSIDE WERE ALIVE TO SAVE. THEY PAID ME LATER SO IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST. BUT STILL. HOW THE FUCK WERE THEYAL ALIEV? ITS NOT LIKE I HURREID OR ANYTHIN. I TOOK ME TIME TO PICC AL THE FLOWERS. JUTE THEYR CALLED. AND THE OTHERS. HOW ARE AL THOSE FLOWERS GROWANG SOA BUNDANTLY HERE? THERES MORE FLOWERS ON THIS COLD ROCK IN THE SEE F GHOSTS THAN IN FUCKIN CHEDDYNHAL IN THE SUMMAR. BELEEV ME. I GREW UP THER.

I SHOLD GO ND SEE WHAT ARIN IS DOENG IN THE BARROW. NEVER KNOW WHEN THERES MOAR LOOT TABE FOUND.

SO ARINS AT THE BARROW. JUST TAS I KNEW THEYD BE. THEYR TRYIN TA CLENSE THE BARREW. BY CLENSE I MEEN MURDER EVERYTHING OUTSIDE. WITCH IS FUTILE BECUS THE UNDED RAISE AGEN WHEN ARIN LEAVES. I TOLD THEM THAT AND ARIN TOLD ME I WASA VILE CREATUR OF DARKNES.

SO I LEFT ARIN THERE TO DO THERE THING AND FOUND A HUNTER DUDE. HE DIDNT LOOK GOOD AND ASKED ME IF I WAS CHECKING UP ON THE BAROW ASWELL. I SIAD I WAS AND ASEKD HIM WAT DO.

NOW IM COLLECTING ANCIENT ROCKS FOR A GHOST. GHOSTS ALWAYS WANT THE WIERDEST THINGS DONT THEY?


	3. Chapter 3

THE ANCIENT ROCKS ARE GAURDED BY EQUALLY ANCIENT GUARDS. GOOD THING IMA THIEF. THAT SHOULD POSE NO BROBLEM.

SHOULD.

THE SKELETONS HAV NO EYEES BUT THEY CAN SEEME JUST FINE. MORE TAHN JUST FINE INN FACT. THEYR EYESITE IS BETTER THAN MINE. AND THEY HEER RELLY WELL. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. I CANT EVEN HEAR MESELF MOST OF THE TIME.

SO NOW THAT IVE SECUERD ALL THREE ANCIENT ROCKS IMMA PUT THE ROCKS ONTO PEDDLESTALS AND SPEEK TO THE BIG GHOST. I KNOW HESA GHOST BECUZ HE GLOWS BLUE. IF HE DIDNT IDHAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING HESA GHOST. WOULD I? DUNNO.

SO THE GHOST WWANTED ME TO KIL A NECKROMANCER DIEFILING HIS BURROW. OK SAID I. NOTHIN DIFICULT. NOW IF ONLEY THE NECROMANCER COULD STOP DODGING ME FLYYNG KNIVES.

SO AFTRE I KILD THE NECROMANCER I SUDDENLY FIEND THAT ITS A COVENANT NECROMANCER WHAT THE FUCK. WHO THE FUCK WOLD INVAED THIS SHIT WHOEL IN THE WORLDS AZS.WOULD ANYON RELLY BE THAT DUM? APARENTLY YES.

THE COPSE OF THE BIG DED WIZARD NEEDED TABE SANCTIFEID OR WHATEVS. IUD HAVE THOT THE NECCROMANCER DYNG WOULD B E ENOUGH BUT OK. SANCTEFIYNG COPSES IS BEST DONE WITH FLAME. ID KNOW I HAVE EXPERIANCE. 

THERE WAS ONE TIEME WEN A WHORE UPSTARES DYED AND THEN HER GHOSTE CAEME BACK TO MURDRE US ALL. AND WE DREW STRAWS AND BIG BUBONIUS HHANDED ME THE SHORT ONE SO I WENT UPSTARES AND BURNED THE COPSE. AND THE GHOST FUCKED OFF INTO AETHERIUS.

SO ITOLD THE HUNTAR DUDE BOUT THE NECROMANCER. HE WAS PRETTY CONCERND.YE ME TOO.BUT OF CORSE HE GAVE ME LIEK FIVE MORE QUESTS TAFIND MISING VILAGERS. AWFULY CONVINIENT THAT THEYVE GON MISSING NOW HUH? STUPIDE VILLAGERS. NOBODDY WANTS TABUY MY OBVIOUSLY NOT STOLEN GOODS.

SO HE TOLD ME TO EVACUAYT PEEPLE TOO. INSTED OF FINDING THE MISSING I MEAN. FINALLEY I CAN GET OFF THIS LATRINE ROCK.

THEN I MADE THE MISTAKE OF FETHING ARIN. THEY TOLDME TO STOP WITH A LARGE AX.SO IGUESS IM SAVING THE ISLAND NOW.

FUCKIN DRAGOKNIGHTS AND THERE FUCKIN SHIVALRY.


	4. Chapter 4

FIRSTE STEP ON SAVING THE ICLAND - CRAWL INTA SOM ICE CAVES. YES RELLY. BECUS DUM TEENAGERS ARE ALWAYS THE SAEM WHTHER IN THE FROZEN NORTH OR THE TEPID SOUTH. ALWAYS TRYNA CRAWL INTA THE MOST DANGERAUS HOLES.NOT THAT IVE EVER MADE THE SAEM MISTAKES. NAH. I AINT EVER DON THAT.

SO THE VILAGER IS INA WAL OF ICE. GUESS IM NOT SAVING ANYONE. ARIN IS DISTRUCTED BY THE BEERS SO THEY WONT TNOTICE.BUT I BET THE DUMASSES WIL NEED CONFIRMACION BY COPSE. DAMMIT. ITS BODY RECOVRY TIME THENN. DAMN.

THERES A FUCKING GHOST IN THIS ICE HOLE.IT WANTS TO PLAY GAMES.BUT ITS NOT LIKE IHAVE A CHOICE.THERES A LOTTA GHOSTS AND SHIT ON THIS ISLAND. NOWONDER ITS SO SPARCELY INHABITED. MAN IWISH I COULD JSUT KICK GHOSTS IN THERE GHOST NUTS AND NOT HAVE TO DO ERRANS AND HSIT.

IVE FOUND THE GHOSTES DAIRY AND MAGE THINGY. BUT NO SIGN OF A COPSE. AND ICANT EXACTLY SET AN ICE CAVE ONFIRE. THIS GONNA BE HARD TO CONCECRATE.BUT AT LEEST ARIN IS CLEARING OUT ALLTHE BARES. WHYRE THERE BEARS HERRRE ANYWAY? DO THEY MATE IN ICE CAVES? MAN THATD BE A SIGHT TO SEE.

ANYWAE. THE GHOST IS A DOMINION MAGE. WHAT THE FUCK. FIRST A COVENANT NECROMANCER NOW A DOMINION SPY. WHAT THE FUK. YOUD THINK THIS ICLAND WAS A POPULAR TOURISTE ATRACTION OR SOMETHING. OR IT CONTANES THE PACT SECRET STASH OF SUPERWEAPONS. HUH. GOTTA BE ON THE LOOKOUT.MAYBE IF ILL BE A GOOD PATRIOT THEYLL GIVE ME THEIR TOYS TO PLAY WITH? OR ILL ATLEAST FIND THE SECRET THINGYS LOCATION.

SO I TALKED TO THE GHOST. HE WANTS TO PLAY MORE. FUCK. ILL TAKE A THUMBSCREWW TO HIS GHOSTLY FACE. HEY IF THE THUMBSCREW IS SPECTRAL THEN IT MUST HURT HIM! NOW IF ONLY I HAD SUCH A THINGG.

THE GHOST IS DUM AND CRAZY BUT IM SURE YOU COULD SEE THAT BEFORE DEER DIARY. NOW IT WANED ME TO FIND IT BETWEEN COPPIES. WELL I FOUND THE ONE CPY THAT WASNT TOING THE SAME NONSENSE THE OATHERS WER.EASIER THAN BEATIN UP A KIDDIE IN A DARK ALLEY. NOT THAAT IVE EVER DONE THAT BEFORE. YES. I DEFINATELY HAVENT.

TURNS OUT THE GUY IN THE METER-THICC SHEET OF ICE WAS ALIVE ALL THIS TIME. MAGIC I GUESS.ANYWAY I REAUNITED HIM AND HIS SISTER. THEY PAID ME QUITE WEL AND I MANAGED TO SEEL THEM A RANDOM KNIEFE I FOUND.ALL WELL AND GOOD UNTIL ARIN FOUND ME AND TOLD THE VILAGERS WE WRENT MERCENARIES. IN THE TIME IT TOOK ME TO CORRECT ARIN I NO LONGER HAD ME MONEY.

SO I HAV TO RESCUE THE BASTRADS MESELF AND THEN NOT TAKE MONAY WHILE ARIN KILLS FORNICATING BEARS? I MEAN ITS NICE OF THEM TO CLEAR OUT BEARS. BUT ID LIKE TO HAV SOMETHIN TO SHOW FOR ME EFFORT.

SO I DODGED THE HERO WANNABE AND SET OUT TO FIND PEOPLE IN NEED OF A SWIFT EXTORTION. I MEAN SAVING. ARIN CAN MORALIZE TO THE WOLVES THEY KIL.


	5. Chapter 5

ARIN TELLS ME WE NEED TO KIL SO M BANDITES. BECUS OFCOURSE THEY CANT DO IT ON THERE OWN. ARIN SED IM PRETTY USEFUL IN BETTING PEEOPLE UP. I SED GOOD JOKE. THEN ARIN GOT MAD.

SO I THOT WED MURDER THEM. BUT INSTED WE STOULE THERE CLOTHES.AND WENT TO COLLECT RADNOM SHIT.ARIN INTSISTS THE RANDOM SHIT IS IMPORTANT SOMHOW.IM JUST HEAR TO PIC FLOWERS. YA NEVER KNOW WHAT HORRIBLE POISON OF EXTREME PAIN YO CAN MAYK WIHT JUST SUM WEEDES FROM THE OLE BACKYARD.

THE BANDITES HAVE LES SECURITY THAN AN DIRTY OLD MAN ONTOP HIS FIFTH WHORE THAT EVIENING.THEY JUSGT LET US IN THE MINE.THEN THEY RELIZD SOMETHING WAS WRONG. ABOUT AT THE TIME ARIN SMASHED A HAMMER THROUGH A BANDITSS SKUL MORE PRECIECLY.

AFTER RAMAPAGING THRU THE MINE I AND ARIN FOND A MUTHERFUCKING DEADRIC PORTAL.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I MEN WE MURDERD IT. THOROGHLY. AT LEEST THATS WHAT ARIN TELLS ME. BY SMASHIG A PRETTY CARVED STONE. KINDA UNFORTUNATE. IT WAS A PRETTY CARVED STONE I COULDAVE SOLD IT. DAMMIT. BUT IF IT STOPS OBLIVION FROM SHITTING ALL OVER TAMRIEL ITS OKEY I GUESS. I MEEN IT WAS RELLY FUN TO KICK THEM SCAMPS. ARIN THOT THAT TOO. NOW THEYRE COVERED IN BLOOD AND DEADRA GUTS.

I TOLD ARIN THEY WAS LIKE A WHIRRLWIND OF DESTRUCTON. NICE METAFORE I PICKD UP FROM ME OLD NEIEBOR VULVULA.SHE KNEW LOTS OF MATEFORES. ESPESHALLY BOUT INDECENT BODEY PARTS. ANYWAE ARIN DOESNT LIKE BEING CALLED A WHIRRLWIND OF DEASTRUCTON. THEY SED THEY MUST NOT TAKE JOY IN CUMBAT. CURB THERE BLOODLUST. RESTRANE CARNAL URGES. ALL THAT. MAN BEING A DRAGONNITE IS HARD WORK. SO I TOLD ARIN GOOD IDEA. MAYBE THATLL MAKE THEM STOP BEING SO FROWNEY.

THEN ARIN SOUGHT PENANCE FOR EXCESSIVE BLOODLUST BY KILLING EVILDOERS. HOW LOGICKAL.


	6. Chapter 6

WHEN I THOT I COULD TAEK A BEAK FROM ADVENTURING AND SELL ME FOUL HYDES ARIN CONVINIENTLY FOUND A NOTE ON BANDITES THAT SED THEY WER CAPTURING PEPLE. VILAGERS I MEEN. I THINK THEY WANT TO SCARIFICE THE VILAAGERS? OR WERE THEY TRYNA RANSOM BROKE FARMERS? I DUNNO. DIDNT REED THE NOTE.

WELL THERE WAS ONE LIVANG CAPTIVE IN THE CAMP WHO I GRACEOUSLY FREED AND EXTORTED FOR PAYEMENT WHILE ARIN WAS BURNING SUPPLIES. WOULDNT BURNING BANDIT SUPPLYES MAEK THEM ANGERY AND DESPRATE? AND GETEM TO RAIDE MOAR? I MEEN THATS WHAT I WOULD DO IF ME OWN SHIT GOT BURND.

BUT HEY. IM NOT COMPLANING. ARIN DIDNT NOTICE MEXTORTION AT ALL! NOW I FEEL RICH. IVE NEVER HAD MORE THAN A THOSAND GOLD AT A TYME EVER BEFORE! WOW IM SO WELTHEY.MAN WAT DO ISPEND DIS ON? NO IDEEA.

SO I SNEEKED AWAY WILE ARIN WAS PRAYIN OR SOMETHINK AND TREID TO BUYE NEW BOOTS. ITSA GOOD THING NOCCTURNEAL DOESNT RELLY WANT PRAYER. SEH JUST WANED ME SOUL.THAT WAS EESY TO GIVE.MAN I WONDER IF ITS STILL WITH HERS EVEN THO THE CUTLISTS SACREFICED ME. PROLLY YES BECUS ME SHADEW POWAHS ARE STILL W ME.

BUT OF CORSE I DIDNT ACTALLY GET ANY BOOTS.SEE THE CLOTHEIR HADA NICE HAT ON DISPLAE.IT WAS VERY NICE AND I OF COURSE TOOK IT. DONT JUDGE ME DAIRY.I CANT NOT TAKE XPENSIVE THINGS THATT MITE SELL WEL. THEN ISEW THE NICE GLOVS ON DISPLEY. ANND THE PRETY SHOES. THOSE WERE RELLY PRICEYE IM SURE OF IT.THEN THE SHOPKEPPER NOTICD.

THIS IS WHY IM POOR AGAIN. OFF TO RESCUEING MOAR ILLAGERS I GUES. FUCK ME LIFE WITH A LARGE KKNIFE.


	7. Chapter 7

NEER THE VILLAEG I FOND A HOUSE.AN INHABETED HOUSE UNFORTUNATLEY. I WAS GONNA START LOOTIN BUT THEN I FOUND THE OWNER. SHE WASTED ME TO FINE HER HUBSAND.AND DOG.

I SED OK. SHE GAYVE ME A DOG WISTLE. I WISTELD AND THE DOG CAME.WHY DIDNT SHE DO IT HERSELF IWONDER? STUPID VILAGERS. ALWAYS WATING FOR HERO.

SO I FOUND THE HUBAND. IT WASNT SO BAD. I GOT PAID.

I WONDERED FOR AWHILE IN THE SNOW DRIFTS KILLING WOLVS. THEN I FOUND A CAMP OF SOM SORT. SHIT WAS LAYIN ALL ROUND. I STARED PICKING IT UP. THE TRAIL OF TRASH LED TO A CAEV.IN THE CAEV WAS ARIN. GETTING BODIED BY A GIANT NITEMARE BAT. I TORNED MESELF INVISIBLE AND STEPPED BEHIND THE NITEMARE BAT. IT HAD A VERY BONY SPINE. LIKE UNSUALLY BONY. BUT I KILD IT AND SAVED ARIN! THEY SED THEY HAD EVERYTHING UDDER CONTROL. BUT COM ON DIARY. ARIN IS A PUSSY.

SO WE WENT BACK TO THE VILLAGE WITH THE HUNTAR DUDE ARIN WAS HELPING.AND I TOLD EVERYON HOW AWSUM I WAS WHEN SLAYING THE EVEL CAVE BEAST. ARIN SED I WAS LYING AND THEY WAS THE ONE TO DO MOST O THE WORK. BUT I TOLD ARIN THAT BRAGGING WAS BAD. THAT MADE THEM SHUT UP. HEHE.

AAND THATS WHEN THE COVENANT SAILED IN. YEAH.


	8. Chapter 8

IM SUPOSED TO SAVE THE VILLAEG NOW. LIKE NOBODY ELSE CAN DEW IT. ME AND ARIN. I MEN. BUT ARINS USELESS SO THEY COUNTS AS MUCH AS THE CLOUDS INTHE SKY.

FIRST I GOTTA LITE A SIGNAL BACON. I WONDER WY THO. WONT THAT MAEK THE INVADERS SEE THE WAE CLEERER? OH NEVERMING THEYVE ALREDY LANDED. THERE WAS A DYIN LADY BY THE LITEHOUSE. ARIN WENT TO TALK WILE I BEET UP THE COVENANT SOLIDERS JUST DOING THERE JOBS. SENT TO DIE ON A COLD EMPTY ICLAND WITH NO REAL VALUE FOR THE FOLLIES OF THERE BOSSES. JUST KIDDING LOL IM NOT ACTAULLY SYMOPATHETIC TWARD THEM. COVENANT MAKE GREAT MEAT PIES. NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE I GET GAME FOR COOKING …

IVE GOTTA SAVE SOM PEEPLE WHO STAYED IN THE VILLAGE WEHN THE COVENANT STARED BURNIN IT.GENIUSES. ALL OF THEM.

SO ARIN AND I BETED UP THE BADDYES. ARIN TOOK WATER FROM THE WELL AND HAD TO LUG AROND THE HEVY BUCKET TO XTINGUIESH SHIT WILE I HAD FUN BUTCHERING ENEMY SOLDIERS IN THE DOSENS.MAN I CANT WAIT TO ENLIST AND COMITT REAL WAR CRIMES!

NOW THAT ALL THE VILAGERS ARE RESCUD WE MUST EXCAPE THRU THE BURROW. THE ANCENT NORD BURROW. THAT IS. WY DID THE ANCIENT NORDS BILD SO MANY BARROWS? THEY LOOK DUM. I WOULDNT BUILT THOSE.

IN THE BARROW THERE WAS SKELETONNS. AND SWITCHES. MAN I HATE SWITCHES. I TOLD ARIN NOT TO BLOODTHIRST BECUS IT WAS EVIL ANDSELFISH. SO THEY COULD PRESS THE WITCHES I DIDNT WNAT TO. ARIN SED I COULDNT REED THEM MORALS. GIVEN ME PROCLIVATIES. BUT DID AS I AKSED ANYWAY.

SO THE VILLAGERS RAN THRU THE BURROW AND WE GOT ON THE BOAT. I REASSURD THEM I HAD SAYVED ALL I CULD AND THERE LIVES MITE NOT BE THE SAME. BUT THEYLL BE OKEY. THEN I TRIED TO SEL THEM RAWHIED SCRAPES.

ARIN FACEPALMED.


	9. Chapter 9

NOW IM IN MORRAWING. THATS COOL. ITS LIEK ME ANCESTREAL HOMELAND. OR SOMETHING. BAL FOYLEN, THE PLACE IS CALLD. NO RELATION TO MLAG BAL. I THINK.

I HOPE.

ANEWAE, THE GOOD CAPTAIN TOLD US TO LITE A FIRE OR SOME SHIT SO THE CONVENANT DONT TAKE DAVONDS WATCH BY SURPRISE. WHATS DAVODNS WATCH, YU ASK? ITSA FORTIFEID CITY. THATS WHAT IT IS. IMPORTANT SOMHOW, I SPOSE.

SO ARIN WENT TO TEH WATCHTOWER AND I WENT TO SAVE SOM RARGONINANS GUARS. BECAUS THAT OBVIOUSLY TAKES PRIORITY OVER A MILETARY INVASION. HEY DONT JUDGE ME DIARY, THE RARGONIANS SED HED PAY ME. GOTTA MAKE A PROFITT, YKNOW.

SO THE COVENANT IS HERE. IN THIS ASS END OF THE WORLD. WHY HAVENT THEY INVADED DAVONDS WATCH BEFORE THIS SWAMP? I LOOKD AT A MAP, DAVONDS WATCH IS CLOSER TO BLEEKROCK THAN THIS PLACE! WE CANT WARN JACK SHIT! WHY DID THE SHIP LAND HERE INSTED OF, OH, I DUNNO, DAVONDS WATCH ITSELF?! ITS CLOSER ON THE FUCKING MAP!

WHATEVER. IM GOING TO SLEEP. FUCK EVERYONE AND THERE ILLOGIC.


	10. Chapter 10

TURNES OUT THE WATCHTOWER CANT BE LIT BECUS THERES NO POWDER. AND WE HAVE TO DO A LOOOOOOOOOONG DETURE INTO SOME FORT.

WELL, JOKES ON THEM BECUS I SENT ARIN PACKING AND WENT TO TEST HORRBILE MURDER BY ANGERY NETCHES ON CONVENANT SOLIDERS FOR MONAY! ARIN CAN GO SAEVE EVERYONE, IM HAVING FUN HERE.

NOW I SMEL LIKE NETCH. MANDAMMIT!


	11. Chapter 11

SO I LET ARIN HANDEL THE ACATUAL MILETARY INVASION WHILE I HAD FUN SAVIN GUARS, VILAGERS AND CAMPING CONVENAT SOLIDERS. WEN I RETURND TO DALMORA (NO RELATION TO HERMAYUS MORA. I THINK), NOT ONELY DID I CUM AT THE SAEM TIME AS ARIN, BUT THE COVENATN ATACK HAPPEND AT THE SAM TIEM TOO.

WAT A COINCEDENCE!

ANYWAE, THE VILLAGERS SED I CULD GOTO DEFEDN THE DEFENSLESS DOCXS WITH MANY CIVILLAINS, OR A MILETARY BASE FULLOF TRANED MILETARE PERSONEL REDY TO DEFEND THEMSELFS.

GUESS WICH I CHOSE?

THE MILETARY BASE, OFCORSE. NOT LIEK I WANNA MAKE AN EFFORT. BUT ARIN SED THAT WAS IMORAL. AND WRONG. AND TAHT TEH COVENTANT WOUD SURELY SPARE MORE TROOPS FOR AN ACTUEL MILETARY FORTRES THAN SUM FISHERMEN.

MAN I WONDER WAT EXACTLY THE FORT IS PROTECCTING ANYWAE. WOUDNT A SAFE HARBAH BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOM RICE FIELDS, IN TERMS OF PROTECTION?

IF THE FORT IS PROTECCING THE ROAD TO DAVANS WATCH OR SOME GUARSHIT LIEK THAT THEN ITS BUILDERS WERE SHITHEADS. DAVONS WATCH IS A FUCKING PORT YOU FUCKERS.

MAN WY COULDNT OUR REFUGEE BOAT JUTS DOCK IN DAVONS WATCH IN THE FIRST PLACE?


	12. Chapter 12

WEHN I ARRIVD THERE WERE MANEY HURT PEEPLE AND MANEY BURING STUFF. SURPISINGLY, THERE WAS NOT MUCK SMOKE.SO I KILLD SO M CONVENAT, AND ARIN HELPD RESCU THE PEEPLE.

WHILE THEY WAS DOENG THE UNGLAMROUS RESCUENG, I WAS BEETING THE SHIT OUTTA THE CONVENANT BIGWIG. I EVEN HAD A WITESS TO TELL EVERYON OF ME HEROICS!

I WONDAR WAT OLE SALIVA WOULD SAY. SALVIA, I MEEN. SHED TREID TABE A HERO IN HER YUTH, BUT THEEN A TREECHEROUS ASSOCIAITE BETRAED HER FOR MONIES. OR THATS WHAT SHE SED. AFTERWARDS SHE WAS A WHORE, CATERING TO THEM AMPUTEE FETHISHISTS. I WONDER IF SHED BE PROUDE OF ME. OR JELOUS. SHE ALWAES TOLD ME HEROS HAVE IT GOOD, BUT MOST OF US WIL HAVE TO GET BY BEING SLEAZEBAGS.

AS YU CAN SEE, DEER DAIRY, SALIVIA WAS A VEREY FILOSOPHHICAL KINDA WOMAN.SHE TAUGHT ME ALOT. WEN I WAS LITTEL, I TOLD HER, WEN ID BECOME RICH AND FAMUOS, ID GIVE HER ENOGH MONAY SHE WOUD NEVER HAVTA WHORE AGAIN. SHE LAUGHED AND SED SHE WOULDNT LIVE THAT LONG.

AND SHE WAS RIGHT.


	13. Chapter 13

NOW THAT EIVE REPELLD THE CONVENAT FROM THE DOCKS, THE FORT MANAGED TO REPELL ITS INVADEERS TO. SOME KENTURION GUY (IS EVERYONE MODELIN THERE ARMY AFTER THE IMPEREALS THEESE DAYS?) CAME BI AND TOLD ME AND ARIN TO WARN DAVONS WATCH.

FUCKING AGEN. WY DO YE TRUST TWO RANDAM ADVENTURARS MOR THAN YOUR OWN TRAINDED SCOUTS. BESIDES, IF THE COVENANT CAN INVADE BAL FOYLEN, A SWAMP FURTHER IN THE INNNER SEE THAN STONEFAILS, THEN DAVONNS WATCH HAS MOST CERTANELY ALREDY BEEN INVADED. IS EVERYON HERE AS SMART AS A CRUSHD SKEEVER?!

WATEVR. AT LEEST THEIR PAYING.


	14. Chapter 14

THERES A GUY IN DAVONDS WATCH WHO WANTS OUR HELP. DEFENDING THE CITEY. OF CORSSE. ME AD ARIN CAME IN RITE BEFORE THE SEIGE SHUT THE GATES. WY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

SOME IMPORTANT DUMNER GUY WANTS US TO NAB HIS NANCESTOR’S SKUL.HE CANT TAKE IT HIMSELF BECUS DUMNDER CUSTOMS, I GUESS.

ARIN THINKS DESECRATING THE DED IS A BAD IDEYA. THEY SES THEY WONT DO THAT FOR THE DUMNER GUY, WHO’S LIKE SUPER SUS FOR REEQUESTING THAT. STUPID MORALIZERS WIL BE STUPID MORALIZEERS, I GUESS.

WHILE I BEET UP UNDED, ARIN WENT OFF TO A FUNERAL.HOW BRAVE AND GALLANT. WEN I HAPPEND UPON THE FUNEREL, ARIN WAS PRAYIN TO AKATOHS OR SOM SHIT, DESPITE IT BEENG A NORD FUNAREL.

SO I LAGHED AT THEM. ARIN GOT MAD, OF CORSE. SED THE PEEPLE HERE DIYED BECUS WE DDIDNT HELP OUT IN THE FORT. I TOLD THEM A MILETARY INSTALATION COLD DEFEND ITSELF QUIT WELL, AND HAD.PEEPLE DYED ALL THE TIME. IF I GAVE A SHIT AOBT ALL THE ORPHANS I SEW DED IN THE STREETES, BOUT AL THE YOUTH FORCED ITNO THEFT AND WHORENG, BOUT OLD PEEPLE WHO STARVED TO DETH ALL LONE, ID BE DED OF DEPRESION. THATS WHAT I WARNED ARIN AGENST. WOW I’M SUCH A GOOD PERSON.

THEY TOLD ME TO FUC OFF BECUS THE FAMILE OF THE DED DIDNT WANT ME THERE. UNGRATEFUL BASTERD, SITTING HERE PRAYIN WILE I SAVE THE CITEY FROM ATTAC. NOT EVN PRAYIN TO THE RITE GODS, DUMASS!

ARIN TOLD ME THEY WAS A NORD AND NEW WAT TO DO AT A NORD FUENRAL BETTER THAN I. I TOLD THEM THEY WAS MORE IMPERIAL THAN LEGIONARY MARIUS IMPERIUS FROM THE PROPPGANDA POSTERS.

THE FACT ARIN REXOGNIZD ME REEFERNCE TOLD ME ALL I NEEDT TO KNOW.


	15. Chapter 15

IM MURDREING THE COVENANT AGEN. ITS ALL THE SAME, DAY INN AND DAY OUT. ILL WRITE WHEN SOMTHING MOOR SUBSTANTIAL HAPPENS.


	16. Chapter 16

THE WIERDEST THING HAPPEND YEASTERDAY.

SO I WAS MURDERIN CONVENAT LIKE USUAL, THE WIZEARD SUMMOND SOMEKINDA GIANT GOLEM OF DEATH. IT WAS SUPER ON FYRE AND MADE OF SKULLZ AND BONES. ARE WE THE BAD GUYS? BECUS THE GOOD GUYS WOLD NEVER USE A CONSTRUCT OF FLAMING SKULLS. FIEN BY ME, BUT ARIN MITE GET ANTSY.

SO ENEWAE, THAT REPELLD THE CONVENTANT. THEN I WENT TO MURDER SOM GHOSTES RITE NEXT TO THE TOWN. WONDER WY THE MILETARY DIDN’’T TELL ME TO DEEL WIF THOSE.

ASS I WUS FINEDING WAYES TO MURDER GHOSTES, I FOUND A NICE FLOWR. DON’T JUDGE ME DAIRY, THOSE MAKE FER GOOD POISIONS.

AND A GHOSTE STABBD ME THRU THE CHEST.

I’M WRITING THIS SO IM OBVIOSLY STILL ALIVE. SOMHOW. AFTER I GOT SHANKED, I FAILED AROUND FOR SOME TIME, SPLATTERIN BLOOD EVERYWHER. THEN I FEL DOWN. AND WOKE UP NXT TO A SHIRNE OF SOM KIND. IT GLOWD BLUE. LIKE DEADRIC FYRE.

TEH LACALS CALL IT A WAYSHHRINE. DO THOSE GO ON ROADS? I DUNNO.

WHEN I DIED, I SEW NOTHIN. NO AFTERLIFE. NO LAGHING FACE OF MLAG BAL. NOTHING. I JUST WOK UP BI THE WAESHRINE. I STIL FEEL WEAK FROM GETTIN STABBD. BUT ALL OF MY STUFF IS FINE. IT EVEN TRAVELLD WITH ME!

SO. YEAH. I’M IMMORTAL NOW, SOMEHOW. IT'S SUPPOSD TO BE A GOOD THING, I KNOW.

I KNOW. YET I STIL CANT WRAP ME HEAD ROUND IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW DEATH HAPPEND SO SUDDENLY.


	17. Chapter 17

I WAS FEALING PRETY SHIT FOR AWHILE. EVEN AFTER A NITE OF SLEEP, I CONTINUD TA BE KINDA OFFKILTER.NO BIG DEEEL, IVE MURDERD PEEPLE WILE BLIENDED FROM POISON. ARENT I BADAS?

OF COURSE I AM. I DON’T NEED YU TELLLING ME THAT, DAIRY. SO ENEWAE, I WENT BAKC TO MURDERIN GHOSTS. SOM ARGONEAN GRASSHUGGER (NO TREES HEERE, ONLY MUHROOMS) WANED ME TO FRE THEM. ANOTHER RANDOM PERSON WHOS NAME I NEVR LEARND IN THE FIRST PLACE WANTED ME TO ENSLAVE THEM. YAY, NEXROMANCY! TOOO BAD I CANT LERN IT MESELF.THATD BE DOPE.

AFTER THAT BUISNESS GOT DON, I WENT CAVE CRAWLING.THOSE ARE SO COZY, JUST ASK THE THOUSENDS OF VAMPIRES, BANDITS, GIENT SPIDERS, GOBLINS, OUTLWAWS THAT ROOM IN THEM CAVES. WY ARENT THEY BIING SOLD AS PRIME REEL ESTATE? MAN I SHOULD TRY THAT SOMTIME.

IN THAT CAEV WAS A BLU CRYSTAL THAT GLOWD REELY BRITE. SO I OF CORS, WENT POKING. ME MATE ACERBUS ONCE TOLD ME GLOWANG CYRSTALS COLD BESTOW IMMARTALITEY.BUT ACERBUS DIYED BEFORE HE COLD FIND A CRYSTAL TO TEST THAT ON.

WELL, I WAS ALREDY IMMORTAL, SO IDDIDNT NECESARELY TRY ANYTHENG. JUST CARVENG IT OUT FOR SALE. IT WOLDAVE MADE NIECE FAKE MAGIC JEWELEREY. FAKE BECUS I DUNNO HOWTO ENCHAENT.

THEN I GOT CLOESE, LIKE REEL CLOSE, ALMOST TOCHING. AND ABSORBD SOM ENERGEY FROM THE KRISTALL.

AND I INSTANTLEY FELT BEETER.

I THINK IT WUDS THE SAME GLOWANG CRYSTAL FROM CLODHARBOR. SO ME IMMORTALETY CUMS FROM A ROCK, AND IS CONTINUD BY EETING MAGIC OFF ROCKS. WHAT A DEEL! NEVER WOULDAVE THOT GETTING SHANKED ON AN ALTAR WOUD BE SO GREAT.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentine's day! yes, even if you're single. where i live, it's considered a festival of friendship

SO THE WIZEARDS SUMMOND A GIANTE FLAMING GIANT OF BONE, BUT CANT PUT IT BACK WHEREVR ITS KEPT. HOW THOROUGHLY UNSURPRISING. MAN, WHYE DID THEY SUMMON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? WAS THE SEIGE OF DAVOND’S WATCH RELLY THAT DIRE?

ARIN SEAMS TO AGRE WITH ME. SEE, I KNEW WE’D FIND SOMETIHNG IN COMMON EVENTUALLY!

WE WENTE TO FIND ANARGONIAN SKOUT IN SOM ANCIENT BUREAL GROND. BECUS OF CORSE TEH WIZARDS DECIDED TO SEEKE OUT KNOWLEDGE TO IMPRISON THE BONE COLOSSUS AFTER SUMMEONING IT. GENIUSES.

EVERYON IS A MORON EXSEPT ME.

ON A CUMPLETELY UNRELAETED NOTE, IVE JUST FOUND THAT FALLING INTO LAVA BURNS.


	19. Chapter 19

SO I TALKED TO A GHOSTE DUMNER. NOTHING UNUSUAL HERE - I AM IN MORRAWING, AFTER ALL. BUT IT TOOK QUITE A BIT OF WORK TO GET THE GHOST OUT. I HAD TO LITE ONE BRAZEER, THEN ANOTHER. THEN GHOSTES AND SKELETONNES ATTACED ME.MAN, WAT WOULDNT I GIVE TAGET THE ‘NECROMANCY FOR DUMMIES’ TEXTBOOK.

SO THE GHOSTE SENT ME TO DO PUSSELS SO I COLD, LIKE, SEE WAT HE DID A THOUSEND YEARS AGO, AND LEARN TO SEEL IN THE GIANT FLAMING BONE COLOUSUS WE THE PACT UNLEESHED. MANN, THOSE WERE SOM GENIUSES. IF ALL IT TAKES TO LERN THE SEALING SPELL IS SOLVEING SOM PUSSELS WITH COLORFUL LITES AND LISTENING TO A GHOST BIETCH AT YOU, WHY DIDN’T THE WIZZARDS LERN THE RITE OF SEALING BEFORE SUMMONING? I GET THAT THEY WER SHORT ON TYEME, BUT, LIKE, HOW AM I THE FIRST PERSON TO LERN THIS SHIT? THE EBONHART PACT HAS THOUSANDS OF BATTLEMAGES!

ARIN AGREES, EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE I WONDERD ALOUD WHERE TO LERN NECROMANCEY. THAT GOT EM PISSED.


	20. Chapter 20

HEEY, ALL IT TAKES TO BIND A GIANT FLAMING MONSTROSETY AR TWO ATRONACHS. I WONDER WY A CONSTRUCT ON FIRE MUST BE BOUND W FIRE. LIKE ATTRACTES LIKE? I DUNNO, IM NOT A WIZZARD. BUT IT DOES SOMETIMES WORK. ME NEIGBOR SPINDLE-TAILE MET NOTHER RARGONIAN AND THEY IMMEDIEATELY FEL IN LOVE. HEART-EYES, LATE-NITE VISITS, SLEEP-DISTURBING NOISES FROM UPSTAIRES AND ALL THAT.

THE ANCIENT DED DUMNER SES I KNOW HOWTO BIND THE ANCIENT BONE COLOSSUS. I MEAN, I GUESS I DO. I EVEN WROTE HERE HOW! MAN, WHY COULDNT THOSE WISEARDS FIGURED IT OUT THEMSELFS? ALL IT TAKES IS DOING SHIT FOR ONE ARRGOGANT GHOST.

TO BE FARE, DUNMER ARE REALLY BIG ON THERE PRIDE. (NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. I,, AFTER ALL,AM EXTRAORDINARELY HUMBLE) SO MAYBE THEY REALLY COULDN’T TAKE THE GHOST BIETCHING AT THEM. MAYBE IF WE DUNMER WERENT SO DIVIDED W ALL THE HOUSES AND ASSLANDER TRIBES AND SHIT, WE COULDAVE CONQUERD THE CONTINENTE ALREDY.

THEN AGEN, IT’S NOT LIKE PEEPLE ANYWHEARE ARE GOOD AT COP-OPERATING. I MEAN, I’M NOT AVERSE TO THAT AT ALL, BUT NOBODY LIKES ME FOR SOME REASON. I WONDER WHY THO.


	21. Obligatory Patriotic Update

WELL, NOW IM IPRESONING THE GIANT FLAMING COLOSSUS OF FIRE . . . BY COLLECTING TEN RANDOM THINGIES. AS LONG AS I GET PAID, I GUESS. MAN, HOW CONVENIENT IS IT THAT THE TEN DEADRA HERTS I NEED TO SEAL AWAY THE COLOSSUSS ARE RITE THERE WHERE IT HAS LOCATED ITSELF. MAN, WAT A CONVENEIENCE.

SO THEN I PUT THE TEN DEADRA HERTS IN A BOWL, AND I GOTTA SUMMON THE FLAME ATRONACHES. BUT TO CONTROL THEM I NEED TO BEET THEM UP.

WHY AM I DOING THIS ALONE, NOT WITH LIKE A PLATOON OF SOLDIERS BACKING ME UP? LIKE, SURELY THE PACT COULD SPARE SOM DUDES TO BIND THE FUCKING WEPON OF MASS DESTRUCTON THAT GOT SUMMOND FROM A MOUNTAN? UNLESS THE SUMMONING WAS UNATHORIZED AND THE PEEPLE ORDERIN ME ROUND DONT WANNA EXPLAIN TO HQ WAT, EXACTLY, THEY WERE SUMMEONING HERE, AND HOW COME THEY DON’’T KNOW HOWTA PUT IT BACK.THAT WOULD KINDA EXPLANE WHY IM THE ONELY ONE BINEDING THOSE FLAME ATRONACHES.

OH, WAIT. ARIN’S HERE TOO. BUT THEYS A DUM HERO TYPE, SO THEY DOESNT COUNT AS BACKUP. THEYS JUST HERE TO RUIN ME HEARING FURTHER W INCESSANTE LECTURES.


	22. Chapter 22

NOW THE GIANT FLAMEING COLOSSUSS OF DETH IS DED, I GET SENDED ON A NOTHER ERRAND. YAY. OR SO THEY SAY. WHO KNOWS IF ITS ACTUALLEY DED? MAYBE THATS JUST WHAT IM SPOSED TO THINK. MAYBE ITLL KIILL US ALL SOON.

OH HEY. THERES ANOTHER DANGEROS AIRTEFACT IN THIS BEACHE. SEREOUSLY, ARE DANGEROUS AIRTEFACTS THIS COMMMON? WHY THEY COUST SO MUCH ON THE BLACK MARKET, THEN?

SO THE CONVENANT GENERALL WANTS TO USE THIS CORRAL HEART TO RAISE TH EOHER BONE GIANT. YAYY. GOOD THING SHE TORTURED THE RIGHT PERSON, EH?

SO THEN SOM ARGONEAN CHICK WANTED ME TO PLANT HER EGGS INTO SOME TIGHT SPACES IN THE CORAL. I’M DEEPLY DISAPOINTED TO SAY THIS INVOLVED LESS SEKS THAN I WAS HOPING FOR. AH WELL. THERES ALWAYS OTHER LIZARDS IN THE SWAMP.

THEN THE CONVENAT GENERALL SHOWD UP AND THE ARGONIAN LADEY ASCENDED TO GODHOOD - I MEN, BONDED WITH THE CORRAL HURT. SO SHES DED NOW. ARIN TOOK THAT PERSONALLY. WELL, I MEEN, SHE WAS PRETTY HOT. BUT ARIN’S SAYIN THAT WE SHOULDAVE STOPPED THE GENERAL FROM GETTING THE HEART IN THE FIRST PLACE. I TOLD THEM TO STOP WHINING, AND THAT I FOR ONE WAS STOPPING THE OTHER GIANT BONE COLOSSUS FROM MATERIALEIZING. HUNDREDS OF SOLDEIRS DIE EACH DAY ON BOTH SIDES, AND ARIN WINES BOUT SOM LADY WHO WILLINGLY SACREFICED HERSELF?

HEROES.


	23. Chapter 23

IM OFF TO FOR VIVEK. VIREK. VIRAK. WHATEVER. IM NOT A LOCAL.

THERE’S MORE CONVENANT THAT NEEDS TO GET HORRIBLY MURDERD WITH ME KNIEVES OF SHADOW AND REMOTE BLOOD-SUCKING.COME TO THINK OF IT, THE ABILITES OF A NITEBLADE AR REMARKAEBLY SIMELAR TO THOS OF A VAMPIR.

SO THE CONVENANT IS RAESING THE DED TO FITE FOR THEM. WAT A GREAT IDEA! MAN, EVERYON SHOULD DO THAT! A LOT OF SOLIDERS WOLD BE ALIVE TODAE IF THOSS ALREDY DED THOUGHT INSTED OF THE LIVING. AND ITD MAKE LOGISTICES LESS XPENSIVE.IMAGINE A WORLD WHEAR EVRY ARMEY IS MAD OF THE DED AND THERES NO SUCH THING AS LIVANG SOLIDERS, JUST NECKROMANCERS AND OCCCASIONAL MAGE ARTILERY. I HERD DESTROCTUN MAGIES WER SPECHALLY GOOD AT BREAKING CASTLE WALLS.

SO, BECUZ IM SOULLES I GOTTA SACREFICE MESELF FOR THE GREETER GOOD. BY DRINKIN SUSPESHUS UN-TESTED POTEONS AND SNEAKING PAST GHOSTS. NO, DER DAIRY, IM NOT BEING A HIPPOCRITE - DRINKING UN-TESTED POTEONS I BREW MESELF IS TOTES DIFFERENT THAN TESTING THOSE MAD BY OATHERS!

ARIN WOULD DO IT FOR ME, BUT ARINS HELPING SOM FARMERS OR SOM SHIT. FUCKING HEROES. I BET THEY DONT PAY AS MUCH AS THE MILETARY!

APPARENTLY, WEN I TOUCHE THE GHOSTS, I GET SENT RIGHT OUTTA THE CAT-A-COMBS. STUPID SHITTY UNDED. NOW I GOTTA DRINK MOAR STRANGE POTIONS. THE EFFECTS OF ALCHEMECAL INGREDAYENTS STACK, YA KNOW! 

WELL, I WONT SCREW UP AGEN. IM A THEIF, AFTER AL. HERE’S TO THE EBONHERT PACT, SEE YA BASTARDS ON THE OTHER SIDE.

\----PAY MEEEEEE----

**Author's Note:**

> interaction keeps free content going - so why not leave a comment?


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